As many of you know, I am currently in my "Master Gardener" training. The training involves 3 hour classes twice a week, in Marion, Iowa, running from the middle of September to the middle of November. This also means I'm stuck "in town" both of those evenings. To me it's a waste of time to drive home in the opposite direction of where the class is. So, from 3:30 until 6:30 every Tuesday and Thursday I can be found in the feed store parking lot, sitting in the back of my van, reading a BOOK!!
Okay, before you think this is totally strange behavior, I know of at least THREE other people that would do this!! Martha, Meme, and Barb! They would not find this strange at ALL!! We all like to read and given enough crate pads, find our vehicles more comfortable than most living room furniture!! We even sleep in our vehicles! It provides everything but a potty....more on that later!
So, I'm driving through Marion, which btw must own stock in stop signs!! I have NEVER seen so many stop signs in one square mile! It's unbelievable! Those and narrow roads, and dips, should I mention the dips!! Sorry...back on track. FOCUS ESTER!!
I arrive at the parking lot, get in back to read my book. Oh, I have to change into my jeans and sweatshirt as it was 'dress up day' at work. I HATE THOSE DAYS!! So, I'm changed. Everyone changes clothes in the back of their vans in a parking lot....right? Please just agree! I'm settled in back with my book. It's Dogged Pursuit, very cute book. The author would be TOTALLY appalled by my behavior. That's okay, I can't imagine driving a SAAB with leather seats, so I guess we're even. Anyway....I start thinking about shoe string potato chips. YUMMY!!! I should run over to Fareway and get me some. NO NO NO!!!! Well, after 15 minutes of the debate, I lose (or win??) and get me some chips.
Back in the parking lot, eating my chips. Okay, so I ate 1/2 the can! OINK!! I decide I need something sweet! Luckily I was at walmart this morning and picked up a bag of mini marshmallows for training treats for Seeker. I know, giving sugar to a young BC is like throwing gasoline on a fire, what can I say. I love to live dangerously! So, eating marshmallows (Seeker won't miss a few).....man I'm thirsty!! Gee, after 4.5 ounces of chips I wonder why? I'm working on my second 20 ounce water. What time is it? I have to "go"....... it's 5:15.
It's a good hour before anyone will be in the room. So, I guess I'll just have to suffer. I go back to reading. Why is it that when you have to "GO" and your reading the books subject matter involves....drinking, porta potties and taking the dogs out to go PEE!! Is that just rude or what? So, in order to make myself feel better I finish off bottle number TWO of water. I'm getting chilly and decide I should shut the vents in the van and check the time.
As I'm getting up to lean over the seats I realize I'm kind of sticking to the dog pad. OMG!! You have GOT to be kidding me!! I've melted 4 little marshmallows to my BUTT!! CRAP!! No, don't....I have to P!!! So, my bladder is busting and I have marshmallows stuck to my arse and I'm chilly. What else could go wrong? I put the key in the ignition and turn it a quarter turn, reach over to shut the vents and the car alarm goes off!! SH*T!! So, now I have to pull out the key, unlock the doors and then try again!
FINALLY!! I sit back down to read my book. It's 5:45 and my eyes are turning yellow. I'm having trouble focusing on the words on the pages. Wait, I think that's because there are now people outside my van. What the heck!! They are talking baby talk about someone wiggling their butt (must be a dog - I hope!), telling him how cute he is (Do I talk like that????) and one of the humans is about to cough a lung on the side of my van!! JL!! Cover all ready! In fact, GO HOME!! You should not be outside!! They FINALLY leave!
Back to my book. I still have 15 minutes until bladder relief. I'm laying on my back and I'd been balancing the book on my stomach. YIKES!! Might want to lower that to my thighs!! Finally, it's 6:09 and I'm going to risk the doors being open! I'm barely able to bend to get up off my back and my eyes are watering as I'm putting on my shoes. I have to find my name badge, as you don't dare walk in without it, or the person running the class will make you feel like you are in Catholic school and your skirt is too short! If you know what I mean.
I sign in just as fast as humanly possible, drop my bag on the table and head off to the bathroom. It's then that I can't decide, do I check out the marshmallow on my butt or 'go' first. I do a quick glance and then 'go'. SO MUCH BETTER!!! So, now I take a closer look at my jeans bottom. OMG!! It looks like I sat on a park bench that was recently visited by pigeons!!! Note to self, do NOT turn butt toward anyone. Not that I would intentionally do that anyway!!
I made it through class. Although, every time I got up out of my plastic chair to get a cup of coffee it lifted with me a couple inches. Lesson Learned?
So, is it just ME?? OR do things like this happen to you too?
Tricks by any other name
9 years ago
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3 comments:
OMG! That was too funny. So YOU were the one in Marion that everyone was talking about. Even more funny is that I'm only a few blocks from you. You could come here. I was home. And - Shoestring potatoes are like my favorite snack. In fact I ate two of the small cans this week - 1 Mon., 1 Tues. I don't dare buy the big can if you know what I mean.
LOL I was sitting in the 4RK9s parking lot Tuesday morning, reading and waiting for Liz! And I've been to the ER because of a bungee cord attack, for doG's sake, so YES, these things happen to me, too. Tho I've never melted marshmallows on my arse. Rilda could make a few bucks each week by charging you a potty fee. And what's up with those stupid van security systems that go off when you've locked the doors but are still INSIDE. Really, do they think you're stealing your own vehicle with a key? C2 did that all the time. Sure made camping interesting for folks parked nearby.
LOL - I'm right there with ya! Only it was chocolate that I was eating that somehow I missed my mouth and then it melted on my jeans. If you go to a park, it's much more acceptable behavior! You could come over to my house too!
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